Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize