My liver just broke up with me...
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
