I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize