hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
