Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
