Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
