One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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