Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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