Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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