Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
