there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
