I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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