That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
