We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
