i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
