this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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