I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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