R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize