I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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