Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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