You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
