My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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