Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
