Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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