How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
