I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
