Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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