I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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