i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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