just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize