i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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