hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
