Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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