Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
