the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
