he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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