one might say we're banned from that church
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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