Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
