The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
