I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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