She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
