Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
