I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize