She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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