Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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