party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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