It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
