I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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