my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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