Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
