Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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