when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize