I wish my penis had an off switch
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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