In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
