I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
