Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize