Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
