Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
