just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
