Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
fuck your aforementioned shoe
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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