I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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