It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
