To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
