you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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