your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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