Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
