Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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