So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
