I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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