she woke up with a sticky ear
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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