we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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