I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
