Only a mothe r could love this liver
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
