Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize